Holy Taco for 6/30 to 7/7

Uno: 4 Side Effects of Head and Shoulders Worse Than the One on Your Facebook Wall

That picture of a lotus pod growing out of somebody’s shoulder was supposedly what happens if you use Head and Shoulders shampoo. Turns out that was an obvious hoax, but my crack team of investigators turned up the shocking truth. Head and Shoulders fucks you up in ways a mere disgusting growth on your arm never could.

Dos: Solving the LeBron James Free Agency Issue: Make Him Play Alone

We still don’t know where LeBron James is going to play, only that whoever signs him will pay out the nose. My solution: make him play alone. Form the LeBron City LeBrons and take on the league on his own. That way there’ll be no salary cap issue, plus he won’t have to deal with annoying teammmates trying to be all teammate-y and not-as-good-as-him-y.

Tres: Old Cell Phones Aren’t Better Than Smartphones, No Matter What Nostalgics Insist

There’s a new trend going around where nostalgics are embracing old, brick-like cell phones, insisting their simplicity makes them superior to smartphones. Even though I’m in my 30′s and thus should start fearing all new things, I’m 1000% these people are hilariously, pornographically wrong.

Catorce: The Tour de France Just Started, and It’s as Pointless as Ever

The Tour de France, a 2200-mile bike race featuring only the world’s most fit druggies, just started. This is unfortunate because, Lance Armstrong or no Lance Armstrong, this might be the most pointless competition in all of sports.

Hello Hello: Sometimes, Shock Humor Isn’t Funny Simply Because It Sucks

There’s an eternal debate raging as to whether or not offensive, shock humor goes too far and the joke-tellers need to apologize for hurting so many people, or if the sensitive whiny liberal pansies need to shut up, grow some thicker skin, and learn to take a joke. Forgotten in this endless cycle is a third argument, one that’s ignored far too often: “why are we fighting over jokes that just plain aren’t funny?”

Cracked for June 28

‘TIS THIS: 5 Famous Musicians Who Went Solo (and Insane)

Some musicians go solo and do the same damn thing they were doing in their band. Others spread their wings and put out amazing music that sounds nothing like anything they’ve ever done before and solidifies them as artists of the highest caliber.

Others try the latter, but should’ve gone with the former, because their attempts at branching out and carving out their own identity were on par with Michelangelo trying to carve out David’s penis using just his fists.

BONUS MATERIAL: Here, have a purty header banner I made before remembering that columns don’t have header banners:

stained-moon-banner

Holy Taco for the Week of June 23-28

A Parapalegic Losing Part of His Penis is the Most Comically Sad Story Ever

Meet the latest case of a guy so sad you almost have no choice but to be glad you’re not him. He’s anonymous, and for good reason: he’s suing a Quebec hospital for botched surgery on his penis that resulted in over an inch being lost. Also, he has no legs, because God loves us all etc. etc.

Interviews with Workers Like Shane from Walmart (If They Were Actually Real)

A series of bulletin board warnings from the exasperated manager of “Shane from Walmart” have gone viral, even though his wacky insubordination is hopelessly, transparently fake. How do we know? Here’s what would happen to irreverent jesters like “Shane” in real life.

The EZ Baby Saver: The Stupidest Weapon Against Leaving Kids In Hot Cars Ever

Some adorable kid invented the EZ Baby Saver, a mass of colorful rubber bands that remind you a child’s still inside your hot car. Supposedly. The good intention invention’s making the news rounds because it’s summertime and the roasting is easy. But adorable inventor or no, this might be the single dumbest solution to a real-world problem I’ve ever heard.

Holy Taco for the Past Week

I’ve been hired as a Layout Editor for Cracked.com, and so regular, twice-daily posting for Holy Taco isn’t all that feasible. Still, I write whenever I can for wherever. Here’s what I’ve done over at the Taco this past week:

Anna Faith Carlson Doesn’t Look a Thing Like Elsa From ‘Frozen’. Shut Up.

Anna Faith Carlson is taking the Internet by storm, thanks to a picture of her standing next to a cutout of Elsa, the Ice Queen from Frozen. According to the Internet, she looks exactly like Elsa, which is an amazing feat that she should be lauded and commended for apparently. Except she doesn’t look like Elsa. At all.

5 Ways Game of Thrones Could Actually Surprise Us Going Forward

Game of Thrones has been doing the brutal death deal for four seasons now. How long can it possibly go on before people get the point and move on to something else? If HBO wants this show to make it to the end of the novels, they need to alter the recipe a bit. Here are a few foolproof ways to do so.

Christian Grey From 50 Shades of Grey Has Been Revealed, And Man Is He Boring

Pictures of the actor from 50 Shades of Grey in costume have finally been revealed. Sadly (and predictably), he’s a bland, boring brunette. They could’ve really spiced up this stupid character, and they chose to take him plain. No salt or pepper even.

 

Holy Taco for June 12 and 13

Gunter: Brainstorming Wacky Oreo Flavors is Harder Then You Think

It’s shockingly difficult to create crazy new Oreo flavors all the time. It’s a long creative process, and the Whipping Cane awaits those who pitch failure.

Glieben: Great Failures From The Past: Not Larry the Not Cable Guy

Larry the Cable Guy used to be an ultra-cheesy early ’90s standup comic named Dan Whitney. And if you thought Larry was annoying, he’s actually an improvement over Dan, who might have been the unfunniest person ever. Puppies abandoned under a bridge earn more giggles than this guy.

Glauten: Holy Taco Bad Book Club: The Mole With Poop on His Head

“The Story of the Little Mole Who Went in Search of Whodunit” is a story about shit. A mole gets pooped on and searches for the culprit, all while learning important lessons on how every animal that poops right in front of him does so differently.

Globen: Jemima Packington, the Asparagus Psychic

Jemima Packington is a British soothsayer who claims to be the world’s only “asparamancer”. Since she had to coin the term herself, we believe her. Nobody else would use stalks of asparagus to predict the damned future, but that’s exactly what she does.

Holy Taco for June 11

POOP: 6 Fun Things Pete Rose Should Do While Managing for a Day

Pete Rose is managing an independent baseball team called the Bridgeport Bluefish for a day, because publicity. He should screw around and have some quick and dirty fun with his post, and here are a few ways he can do so. After all, what are they going to do, fire him?

FART: Dear False Flaggers: Turns Out, Those Flags are EVERYWHERE

Does anyone you reluctantly know think bad things only happen because the government sets it up that way? Well, make them read this article. Because it’s not just bad things, it’s EVERYTHING, and their paranoid minds really oughta know that

Holy Taco for June 9 AND June 10

Aliens took over my brain last night and made me forget to post my daily link to words I made. Luckily, the aliens are now dead and baking at 450 degrees for 90 minutes, so I’ma post a doubleshot while waiting for the timer to ding.

FLAIR: Local Hack Writes Fake News, About to Fool Everyone…Again

Breaking news, as yet another unfunny troll with only the slightest possible grasp of what “satire” actually means has created a “fake news” website and full of total bullshit that the Internet will soon angrily believe without question. State officials, along with anybody who actually reads an article rather than just skimming the headline and hulk smashing their keyboard seconds later, are flabbergasted as to why this keeps happening.

ARN: Meet Mark Wilson, The Man Who Loves Poop More Than Life Itself

And now for some poop jokes, courtesy of a guy who enjoys nothing more than talking about shit for hours on end. The pure repetition of “I love shit, and I love taking a shit” is almost hypnotic.

ROMA: Unappreciated Awful: Orskog Bank’s Awkward Dance Video

Here’s an old video that somehow didn’t go as viral as it should have. A bunch of Swedish bankers dance and prance their way through a cheesy music video, because bad conga dancing and blatant mockery of the handicapped is exactly how you draw in business.

MONGO: We Get It. Nicolas Cage is Wacky. Enough Already

For awhile, Nicolas Cage being the ultimate scenery-chewing actor was pretty chuckle-worthy. But now the joke is old, thanks to a billion people not shutting up about it. Time to let the Crazy Cage thing rest forever.