Holy Taco and Tailgate Fan for May 30

LARRY: Holy Taco Bad Book Club: Pro Wrestling Poetry

There’s a book of pro wrestling poetry out there — freeform, avant garde poetry at that. But it reads much less like actual art, and more lists of obscure wrestling references and insider terms designed to make a very desperate author look as “in” with the wrestling business as possible.

CURLY: Coffee Dad: Twitter Joke, Depressing Existential Quandary

The Coffee Dad Twitter account is a weird joke with occasional references to a Dad mourning his lost son. The fact that he’s still mourning him, years later, turns this joke into a depressing treatise on how for many, grief and pain never ends and while they may still be breathing, they stopped living long ago.

I may or may not have been in a moody mood when writing this.

MOE: Top 5 Most Underrated Athletes

Tailgate Fan wanted a straight-up list of underrated sports peoples, and by gum I gave it to them. This here is the thing that I gave.

Holy Taco for May 29

WON: Great Failures from the Past: The Bud Bundy Rap Album

Remember on Married With Children when Bud Bundy became a rapper named Grandmaster B? That was pretty funny, right? Well, it turns out he actually IS a rapper. Not a good one, at least. His single “I Told Ya” still remains on YouTube, and it’s even more hilarious than the TV version. My guess is that Bud didn’t want it that way though.

TOO: MMA in Lingerie: The Most Pointless “Sexy” Idea Ever

There’s a lingerie MMA league now, and it’s rated PG. I have no idea why anybody bothered. Yes, there’s pretty women in their underwear, but you can find that anywhere, along with a whole lot more. These girls can’t fight, they aren’t interesting, the entire thing is blatantly staged, and the money-hungry PG slant means the idea’s about as sexy as a baby deer.

Holy Taco for May 28

ARTICLE THE FIRST: 4 Reasons the Pizza Underground Band Doesn’t Suck

Macaulay Culkin has a band called the Pizza Underground, They sing Velvet Underground and Lou Reed songs, changing the lyrics to be about pizza. They’re getting booed off stage after stage, as one might expect. But they deserve far better, as I expertly argue.

ARTICLE THE SECOND: Scooter the Cat Has No Nuts and Just So Much Attitude

In order to spread the pet-fixing message that Bob Barker preached so hard in between banging Beauties, a company called Give Then Ten has unleashed Scooter, a hip, funky, blingadelic housecat who’s just the pinnacle of nutless cool. Serious or not, it’s still the best thing you’ll see today.

Punish The Stomach: The Eating-Nothing-But-Kiddie-Food Challenge

Originally published on Zug.com (now Media Shower) way back in the good ‘ol days. And by that, I mean January 8, 2013.

OK, I may never win Parent of the Year, but I care about my kid. I care so much in fact that I’ve listened to hours of his hideous music and watched a blinding amount of Air Buddies movies, all in the name of parental guidance.

But nothing is more important than watching what your child puts into his or her body. So to make sure my little guy is eating right, I’m dining like a five-year-old for a week. Three bland squares, a tiny snack every now and then, and an assload of regrets.

Normally, I’m a good cook. Not a restaurant pro mind you, because that requires patience and people skills. In my own kitchen though, I’m pretty damn handy. But for the next week, I have to forget about all that.

Can my adult brain, warped by years of awesome food, large portions, and the ability to find a recipe and just make the damn thing, handle having my appetite reduced to that of a kindergartner’s? No, probably not. I will likely be grumpy and ornery throughout. But that’s what you came for, right? Of course it was.

Continue reading

Holy Taco for May 27

This: The Pros and Cons of Walking Your Dog with a Drone

There’s a viral video going around of a guy who used his drone to walk his dog. This got me thinking about whether or not doing that is actually a good idea. Then, thirty seconds later, I stopped thinking and started writing. This is the result.

That: The Kim Jong-Un Video Game: An Exercise in Lazy Satire

Kim Jong-Un is getting his own videogame, and people are just going goo-goo ga-ga over it’s supposed satirical hilarity. The only problem is, based on the trailer, it’s all recycled jokes. Unicorns, Dennis Rodman, brandishing the machine gun he and his cronies supposedly mowed down his girlfriend with — it’s all been done before. This is lazy-ass satire, and that just might be the worst kind of satire possible.

Holy Taco for May 26

Ichi: Jack Hyer: An Epic Wedding Proposal from an Epic Maniac

This video of a guy proposing to his girlfriend with a music video he spent four years filming has gone stupidly viral. I say stupid, because nobody but me seems to care that this guy started planning this proposal after ONE DATE. Isn’t that Creep 101 behavior? How lonely must she have been to stay with this wacko for four years straight?

Ni: Happy, the New McD’s Mascot: Not Scary, Just Terribly Unfunny

Happy, the new McDonald’s mascot, has been  scaring social media the past week or so, because he looks like a walking nightmare. But he’s been a thing over in Europe since 2009, and it turns out the problem isn’t that he’s scary — it’s that he’s annoying, obnoxious, and brutally, painfully unfunny.

Cracked for May 24

LINKY: 4 Valuable Life Lessons (That We Never Follow)

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My latest Cracked Column is up, featuring me going on about life lessons we all learn and then promptly forget, over and over again (like the poor jerk in the picture who never bothered with a tune-up and now totally regrets it.)

Also, I took a couple sentences to hit on Natalie Imbruglia, meaning I actually got paid to woo a gorgeous celebrity. If she ever responds, you’re all invited to the wedding*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Unless you smell funny