6 Ancient Gods You Could Take In A Fight

Originally published 11/27/12, on the now-defunct Geekout

Like the old days of territorial wrestling, there used to be Gods everywhere. Many of these Gods were not to be fucked with, lest they smite you with thunderbolts or drown you in a gigantic tsunami. They were worshiped out of pure fear. Also, these were ancient times, where the iPad hadn’t been invented yet, so there wasn’t much to do aside from kneeling at one temple or the other. But still, fear mostly.

Some Gods, however, seemed to be worshiped out of pure pity. These are the Gods that, quite frankly, you could pound into dust with your mere mortal hands.

Momus, Greek God Of Criticism and Blame

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Take an annoying YouTube troll and give him immortality. He is now Momus, whose entire shtick was to find fault with everything, no matter how tiny and insignificant it may be. In one tale, he resorted to telling off Aphrodite for having squeaky sandals, making him the all-powerful deity equivalent of that one singer who dissed his ex for making noise when she walked. Momus was so bad, Zeus sent his ass into exile. Amazing — the guy with unlimited thunderbolts and a hot temper lost patience with the guy who laughed at him for having too much human sex.

So he would clearly attempt to mock you to death, berating you for your big nose, and how your cooking is just so awful. Ignore him. Cut off your ears if you must! Because once his mockery is silenced, all that’s left is a laughing weakling who will probably mock your punches, even as they’re knocking out his teeth one-by-one.

Geras, God Of Old Age

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Well, truth in advertising. Geras was a shriveled-up old man, with hardly any meat on his bones. He did have gigantic balls though, for some unexplained reason. Ancient religions were odd like that, giving huge genitalia to their deities, even if they never used them in any myths. Guess they just wanted to show us what they could do to your women at any time.

Geras can also grab you and curse you with Jack disease, making you just as old as he. So the strategy is simple: steer clear of him and pelt him with rocks from afar. He’s clearly not fast, requiring a cane to get around like any stereotypical old wheeze, so you shouldn’t have any issues here. Just don’t bother to attack his junk. Clearly that’s where his true strength lies.

Dionysus, Greek God Of Wine

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You don’t become a God of Wine without endlessly sampling your product, and Dionysus was no exception. He was the drunken God, rarely seen without a glass in his hand. He was also the God of Ritual Madness and Ecstasy, which made him a wild-and-crazy drunk. Those guys can either be real easy to knock out, or royal pains in the ass.

It doesn’t help that Dionysus has an actual weapon: a wand that can destroy all who oppose his ability to act eternally drunk and stupid. But fret not: just offer him some extra-potent wine, laced with Bacardi 151 or pure Everclear. Don’t worry, his liver’s shot — he won’t know the difference. Once he’s good and stinking drunk, it’ll become a lot easier to grab the wand and use it against him. If its powers won’t work, you not being a God and all, just beat him senseless with it. When he wakes up with Excedrin Headache #215, he’ll blame it on his latest hangover.

Ptah, Egyptian God of Craftsmen

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This guy seems all-powerful at first glance. He did create the world, after all, and in his brain no less. Ever wish you could just dream of something and have it magically appear in front of you? We’d be happy if we could do that with steak or money. This guy did it with an entire universe.

But that doesn’t mean he’d be any good in a fight; the man severely handicaps himself with his fashion choice. See his body? That’s a tight shroud, which all but mummifies him. His arms are stuck in permanent T-Rex Mode, and we all know how effective those were. Basically, he’s reduced himself to a glorified punching bag. What’s more, his scepter is incredibly easy to grab and beat him half to death with. Blunt objects to the head tend to ruin anyone’s day, immortal or not.

Aura, Titan Goddess Of The Breeze

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Seriously, the breeze? The gentle zephyr that ruffles your hair on a pleasant April morning? The Greeks created a deity for THAT? Man, they REALLY needed video games back then. Or basic cable. ANYTHING.

So just bring a light jacket to the fight and you’re all set. Understand though; she will try to fight back, especially if you’re a man. Aura was raped by a fellow God, and she reacted by murdering countless men and eating her own children. So she has some anger issues. But it’s all bluster: she lost her strength as punishment for the whole child-eating thing, and is stuck with a meager power children recreate when cooling down a bowl of macaroni and cheese.

Just pick her up and toss her back into the lake that Zeus imprisoned her in. If she keeps fighting back, and you don’t want to hit a girl, call him. He has no qualms about doing so. He’s kind of a dick, really.

Bes, Egyptian God of Pregnancy and Childbirth

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Shockingly, the Pregnancy God is a guy. A short, fat ugly guy who can’t stop sticking his tongue out everywhere. That’s definitely what the ladies had in mind. Bes is the protector of pregnancies and the entertainer of young children, but he looks like he can easily be booted away, like a football in a hurricane. This fight would be over in seconds.

With the other Gods, they may have been easy to beat up, but at least they vaguely looked like Gods. This guy’s nothing more than a glorified garden gnome, with no weapon or powers to speak of, and he’d probably scare away as many children as he’s supposed to entertain. Doesn’t this guy have ANYTHING that makes him worthy of immortality?

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… oh. Nice one, Bes. Well, that does explain all the pregnancies.

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