Holy Taco for June 12 and 13

Gunter: Brainstorming Wacky Oreo Flavors is Harder Then You Think

It’s shockingly difficult to create crazy new Oreo flavors all the time. It’s a long creative process, and the Whipping Cane awaits those who pitch failure.

Glieben: Great Failures From The Past: Not Larry the Not Cable Guy

Larry the Cable Guy used to be an ultra-cheesy early ’90s standup comic named Dan Whitney. And if you thought Larry was annoying, he’s actually an improvement over Dan, who might have been the unfunniest person ever. Puppies abandoned under a bridge earn more giggles than this guy.

Glauten: Holy Taco Bad Book Club: The Mole With Poop on His Head

“The Story of the Little Mole Who Went in Search of Whodunit” is a story about shit. A mole gets pooped on and searches for the culprit, all while learning important lessons on how every animal that poops right in front of him does so differently.

Globen: Jemima Packington, the Asparagus Psychic

Jemima Packington is a British soothsayer who claims to be the world’s only “asparamancer”. Since she had to coin the term herself, we believe her. Nobody else would use stalks of asparagus to predict the damned future, but that’s exactly what she does.

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Holy Taco for June 5

ACE: The Failed and Forgotten Acting Career of John Wilkes Booth

This week’s Great Failure from the Past (just not named that way because the title ran long) concerns John Wilkes Booth: an actor from the 1860’s who became incredibly rich and famous, only to throw it all away after an unfortunate injury in April of 1865. He never worked again, and his short career has been all but forgotten to history. It’s like he did something to piss someone of or something.

GARY: Grading 50 Cent’s Terrible Excuses for His Terrible Pitch

Recently, rapper 50 Cent threw the worst pitch in baseball history. Instead of admitting he did it on purpose to get back into the spotlight and promote his new album, he’s tossed out flimsy excuse after flimsy excuse. I decided to grade them from worst to slightly-less-than-worst, and this here’s the report card.