First off, Mr. Mad Scientist, thank you for calling off the dogs and allowing me into your top-secret foodporn lair. But was the billy club to the head, chloroform-laced burlap sack, and iron maiden full of tranquilizer darts really necessary?
Oh, of course it was! After all, nobody needs know where I do my work. They only must know that the work is done, and that it is oh-so-delicious and oh-so-shareable.
Well, that is certainly is. Though it is a little jarring to receive these constant, sometimes several-times-a-minute reminders that, no matter how many lunges and crunches and burpees and hot yoga we do, we are all so, so incredibly fat.
Good science is rarely comfortable, my fine, drugged-out friend.
A Parapalegic Losing Part of His Penis is the Most Comically Sad Story Ever
Meet the latest case of a guy so sad you almost have no choice but to be glad you’re not him. He’s anonymous, and for good reason: he’s suing a Quebec hospital for botched surgery on his penis that resulted in over an inch being lost. Also, he has no legs, because God loves us all etc. etc.
Interviews with Workers Like Shane from Walmart (If They Were Actually Real)
A series of bulletin board warnings from the exasperated manager of “Shane from Walmart” have gone viral, even though his wacky insubordination is hopelessly, transparently fake. How do we know? Here’s what would happen to irreverent jesters like “Shane” in real life.
The EZ Baby Saver: The Stupidest Weapon Against Leaving Kids In Hot Cars Ever
Some adorable kid invented the EZ Baby Saver, a mass of colorful rubber bands that remind you a child’s still inside your hot car. Supposedly. The good intention invention’s making the news rounds because it’s summertime and the roasting is easy. But adorable inventor or no, this might be the single dumbest solution to a real-world problem I’ve ever heard.
THIS THING: The 6 Strangest Things Nobody Tells You About Life in Korea
For my latest Cracked Interview, I sat down (well more like Skype’d down) with an American girl teaching in South Korea. It’s a pretty interesting place over there, especially if you’re into plastic surgery and touching your best friend all day every day.