I’ve been hired as a Layout Editor for Cracked.com, and so regular, twice-daily posting for Holy Taco isn’t all that feasible. Still, I write whenever I can for wherever. Here’s what I’ve done over at the Taco this past week:
Anna Faith Carlson Doesn’t Look a Thing Like Elsa From ‘Frozen’. Shut Up.
Anna Faith Carlson is taking the Internet by storm, thanks to a picture of her standing next to a cutout of Elsa, the Ice Queen from Frozen. According to the Internet, she looks exactly like Elsa, which is an amazing feat that she should be lauded and commended for apparently. Except she doesn’t look like Elsa. At all.
5 Ways Game of Thrones Could Actually Surprise Us Going Forward
Game of Thrones has been doing the brutal death deal for four seasons now. How long can it possibly go on before people get the point and move on to something else? If HBO wants this show to make it to the end of the novels, they need to alter the recipe a bit. Here are a few foolproof ways to do so.
Christian Grey From 50 Shades of Grey Has Been Revealed, And Man Is He Boring
Pictures of the actor from 50 Shades of Grey in costume have finally been revealed. Sadly (and predictably), he’s a bland, boring brunette. They could’ve really spiced up this stupid character, and they chose to take him plain. No salt or pepper even.
Aliens took over my brain last night and made me forget to post my daily link to words I made. Luckily, the aliens are now dead and baking at 450 degrees for 90 minutes, so I’ma post a doubleshot while waiting for the timer to ding.
FLAIR: Local Hack Writes Fake News, About to Fool Everyone…Again
Breaking news, as yet another unfunny troll with only the slightest possible grasp of what “satire” actually means has created a “fake news” website and full of total bullshit that the Internet will soon angrily believe without question. State officials, along with anybody who actually reads an article rather than just skimming the headline and hulk smashing their keyboard seconds later, are flabbergasted as to why this keeps happening.
ARN: Meet Mark Wilson, The Man Who Loves Poop More Than Life Itself
And now for some poop jokes, courtesy of a guy who enjoys nothing more than talking about shit for hours on end. The pure repetition of “I love shit, and I love taking a shit” is almost hypnotic.
ROMA: Unappreciated Awful: Orskog Bank’s Awkward Dance Video
Here’s an old video that somehow didn’t go as viral as it should have. A bunch of Swedish bankers dance and prance their way through a cheesy music video, because bad conga dancing and blatant mockery of the handicapped is exactly how you draw in business.
MONGO: We Get It. Nicolas Cage is Wacky. Enough Already
For awhile, Nicolas Cage being the ultimate scenery-chewing actor was pretty chuckle-worthy. But now the joke is old, thanks to a billion people not shutting up about it. Time to let the Crazy Cage thing rest forever.
MANNY: Ant Man Should Stay Directorless (and Go Scriptless)
The Ant Man movie has no director, and might not have one for a long time. I feel they should embrace that fact, and not only stay directorless, but chuck the script too. Just let the actors make that shit up as they go, and film the results. Best case scenario: unintentional comedy at its finest. Worst case: the movie about ANT MAN turns out to suck. Heaven forbid.
MOE: Super Bowl 50, Not Super Bowl L: Journalistic Excellence
The NFL decided to abandon Roman numbers for Super Bowl 50, because they didn’t like the way L looked on its own. For such a monumental story, one news source simply wasn’t enough. We needed DOZENS, possibly hundreds of them, all saying the same thing, and luckily the Internet was happy to oblige.
JACK: Diary Of A Fantasy Baseball Loser – Part 6
Two more weeks of fantasy baseball has yielded decent results. I used to be in last place, and now I’m second-to-last. Progress!
SUPERMAN: Limp Bizkit’s Latest Comeback is Their Stupidest Idea Yet
Limp Bizkit are still around, because God hath forsaken us. This time, they’re pleading for attention by releasing their new single on cassette only, and making it only available at their concerts. I’m no swami, but I predict this will fail just as miserably, if not moreso, than everything else Limp has tried since “Rollin'” exposed them as terrible beyond words.
BIZARRO: Gwyneth Paltrow: World’s Greatest Troll
Everybody shits on Gwyneth Paltrow simply because she acts better than everyone else and thinks her life is pristine and perfect. But don’t make the mistake of thinking she’s just a vapid, out-of-touch hippie snob. In fact, she’s one of the greatest trolls of all time, saying the dumbest shit on the planet because she knows it’ll keep her in the public’s angry eye.
Holy Taco Bad Book Club: The Tushy Book
Occasionally, I run into weird, disturbing, or just plain useless literature, and feel the need to share it with you. And here’s a doozy — The Tushy Book is a children’s book about butts. Every page has a near-naked or totally-naked child on it, because prepubescent mooning is the only way to truly remember that asses are a thing, apparently. Shockingly, NAMBLA did NOT fund this thing.
On the bright side, at least they didn’t call it Baby Badonkadonk.
Let Us Buy The Lead Role In Star Wars For Just $10
JJ Abrams is allowing people to pay $10 t enter a drawing. Winner gets a walk-on role in Star Wars VII. Personally though, I think that’s not enough. Star Wars was built on nobodies, and I feel it should go back to its roots. S for $10, Abrams should give somebody their very own movie. At best, this could completely reignite the series. At worst, it still won’t be as bad as Jar-Jar.
Diary Of A Fantasy Baseball Loser – Part 5
I play in a fantasy baseball league and absolutely suck at it. Every could weeks, I recap my lack of progress in running diary form. Here’s part of five of, like, twelve or something. Baseball takes forever to finish.
Originally posted on Zug.com, now Media Shower, on 12/11/2012.
Being the good Dad I am, I have to make damn sure that what my child is watching isn’t harmful, destructive or, worst of all, horrible programming. Now my boy, like most children, loves puppies. And the idea of a puppy that can talk is even better. Right?
Turns out, no. A talking puppy is actually quite horrific, if the popular children’s series Air Buddies is to believed. I got my hands on five of these damned flicks, and sat through every last minute. Turns out the only thing worse than five talking puppies, is five talking puppies who have absolutely nothing to say.