Cracked for June 28

‘TIS THIS: 5 Famous Musicians Who Went Solo (and Insane)

Some musicians go solo and do the same damn thing they were doing in their band. Others spread their wings and put out amazing music that sounds nothing like anything they’ve ever done before and solidifies them as artists of the highest caliber.

Others try the latter, but should’ve gone with the former, because their attempts at branching out and carving out their own identity were on par with Michelangelo trying to carve out David’s penis using just his fists.

BONUS MATERIAL: Here, have a purty header banner I made before remembering that columns don’t have header banners:

stained-moon-banner

Advertisements

Holy Taco for June 5

ACE: The Failed and Forgotten Acting Career of John Wilkes Booth

This week’s Great Failure from the Past (just not named that way because the title ran long) concerns John Wilkes Booth: an actor from the 1860’s who became incredibly rich and famous, only to throw it all away after an unfortunate injury in April of 1865. He never worked again, and his short career has been all but forgotten to history. It’s like he did something to piss someone of or something.

GARY: Grading 50 Cent’s Terrible Excuses for His Terrible Pitch

Recently, rapper 50 Cent threw the worst pitch in baseball history. Instead of admitting he did it on purpose to get back into the spotlight and promote his new album, he’s tossed out flimsy excuse after flimsy excuse. I decided to grade them from worst to slightly-less-than-worst, and this here’s the report card.

Holy Taco and Tailgate Fan for June 4

U: 6 Ways Rob Gronkowski Can Stop Sucking at Improv Comedy

The New England Patriots resident fratbro, Rob Gronkowski, appeared on Whose Line Is It Anyway and absolutely sucked at it. If he ever wants to try again though, I offer a few pointers he needs to adhere to. After all, I’ve watched that show a LOT, therefore I know everything about it.

S: Otto V, World’s Worst Rapper: Why Isn’t He Viral Yet?

Occasionally, a jackass who should go viral due to utter lack of talent and hilarious levels of delusion, but doesn’t. One such guy is Otto V, a wannabe rapper with no flow, rhyming ability, charisma, charm, or decent ideas. That doesn’t stop him from acting like King Shit, or at least attempting to.

A: Top 5 Sports Scandals

Don’t you love straight-ahead titles? This is a list of my five favorite times when an athlete or team blatantly cheated to gain an edge, got caught, and dragged their sport through the mud because of it. Don’t worry: chances are, you’re not on this thing. Unless you’re A-Rod, in which case, hi Alex! Also, screw you Alex!

Holy Taco for June 3

SUPERMAN: Limp Bizkit’s Latest Comeback is Their Stupidest Idea Yet

Limp Bizkit are still around, because God hath forsaken us. This time, they’re pleading for attention by releasing their new single on cassette only, and making it only available at their concerts. I’m no swami, but I predict this will fail just as miserably, if not moreso, than everything else Limp has tried since “Rollin'” exposed them as terrible beyond words.

BIZARRO: Gwyneth Paltrow: World’s Greatest Troll

Everybody shits on Gwyneth Paltrow simply because she acts better than everyone else and thinks her life is pristine and perfect. But don’t make the mistake of thinking she’s just a vapid, out-of-touch hippie snob. In fact, she’s one of the greatest trolls of all time, saying the dumbest shit on the planet because she knows it’ll keep her in the public’s angry eye.

Holy Taco for May 29

WON: Great Failures from the Past: The Bud Bundy Rap Album

Remember on Married With Children when Bud Bundy became a rapper named Grandmaster B? That was pretty funny, right? Well, it turns out he actually IS a rapper. Not a good one, at least. His single “I Told Ya” still remains on YouTube, and it’s even more hilarious than the TV version. My guess is that Bud didn’t want it that way though.

TOO: MMA in Lingerie: The Most Pointless “Sexy” Idea Ever

There’s a lingerie MMA league now, and it’s rated PG. I have no idea why anybody bothered. Yes, there’s pretty women in their underwear, but you can find that anywhere, along with a whole lot more. These girls can’t fight, they aren’t interesting, the entire thing is blatantly staged, and the money-hungry PG slant means the idea’s about as sexy as a baby deer.

Holy Taco for May 22

Great Failures From the Past: The Sit-Down Ironing Board

Back in the ’50s, some company attempted a sit-down ironing board, with an advertising campaign that consisted of Santa Claus giving his young, nubile wife one for Christmas.

I’m leaving this article here as a cautionary note for all: DO YER RESEARCH. Half of my thesis was, “this thing failed but needs to make a comeback because our lazy asses would adore sitting while ironing. Of course, after posting it, I learned that sit-down ironing boards are very much a thing, especially for older folks who physically can’t stand for very long. Oopsie doodles.

On the plus side, it’s still a stupid way to sell a product. “Ho ho ho, iron my pants!”

Great Failures From the Past: Devil Comes Back to Georgia

“The Devil Went Down To Georgia” sure is a song that exists, and shockingly a sequel exists as well. “Devil Comes Back to Georgia” tells the harrowing tale of the Devil going to Georgia (again) challenging Johnny to a fiddle duel (again) and losing (again). Do I even have to mention the song sounds the exact same too, or have you already figured that out?

Holy Taco for May 20

THIS THING: Three Easy Ways to Make Conan O’Brien the New Ratings King

Not a whole lot of people watch Conan O’Brien’s show. Luckily, he’s on TBS and they don’t care about ratings, so he got a new contract. But if he ever wants to expand and re-enter the “people watching me” department, the show needs a boost. I offer three cuz I’m helpful.

THAT THING: “Thank You USA”: Our New National Anthem

Unintentional comedy is a rare beast these days because everybody’s too damn self-aware. Not this guy though! Kosovan singer Armend Miftari just penned a tribute to America that was hopelessly outdated 15 years before he actually wrote it. And yes, of course it’s the cheesiest thing ever. That’s why I love it so and must share it with you.