Holy Taco for the Week of June 23-28

A Parapalegic Losing Part of His Penis is the Most Comically Sad Story Ever

Meet the latest case of a guy so sad you almost have no choice but to be glad you’re not him. He’s anonymous, and for good reason: he’s suing a Quebec hospital for botched surgery on his penis that resulted in over an inch being lost. Also, he has no legs, because God loves us all etc. etc.

Interviews with Workers Like Shane from Walmart (If They Were Actually Real)

A series of bulletin board warnings from the exasperated manager of “Shane from Walmart” have gone viral, even though his wacky insubordination is hopelessly, transparently fake. How do we know? Here’s what would happen to irreverent jesters like “Shane” in real life.

The EZ Baby Saver: The Stupidest Weapon Against Leaving Kids In Hot Cars Ever

Some adorable kid invented the EZ Baby Saver, a mass of colorful rubber bands that remind you a child’s still inside your hot car. Supposedly. The good intention invention’s making the news rounds because it’s summertime and the roasting is easy. But adorable inventor or no, this might be the single dumbest solution to a real-world problem I’ve ever heard.

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Holy Taco for June 2

BUGS: 5 Ways to Revive Breaking Bad While Keeping Walter White Dead

Bryan Cranston hinted that Walter White might still be alive. That’s a horrible, story-ruining idea, as are most times a tragic hero doesn’t actually die. If Breaking Bad does return, Walter needs to stay dead. Here are some ultra-realistic ways they can make it happen.

DAFFY: ‘Milkshake’ Quoted in Scripps Spelling Bee Because Kids Love BJ Jokes

The judge of the Scripps spelling bee made a blowjob joke on live TV by referencing Kelis’ “Milkshake.” He did so in front of dozens of kids, by the way. But he quoted a song people like so apparently it’s OK.