Holy Taco for 6/30 to 7/7

Uno: 4 Side Effects of Head and Shoulders Worse Than the One on Your Facebook Wall

That picture of a lotus pod growing out of somebody’s shoulder was supposedly what happens if you use Head and Shoulders shampoo. Turns out that was an obvious hoax, but my crack team of investigators turned up the shocking truth. Head and Shoulders fucks you up in ways a mere disgusting growth on your arm never could.

Dos: Solving the LeBron James Free Agency Issue: Make Him Play Alone

We still don’t know where LeBron James is going to play, only that whoever signs him will pay out the nose. My solution: make him play alone. Form the LeBron City LeBrons and take on the league on his own. That way there’ll be no salary cap issue, plus he won’t have to deal with annoying teammmates trying to be all teammate-y and not-as-good-as-him-y.

Tres: Old Cell Phones Aren’t Better Than Smartphones, No Matter What Nostalgics Insist

There’s a new trend going around where nostalgics are embracing old, brick-like cell phones, insisting their simplicity makes them superior to smartphones. Even though I’m in my 30’s and thus should start fearing all new things, I’m 1000% these people are hilariously, pornographically wrong.

Catorce: The Tour de France Just Started, and It’s as Pointless as Ever

The Tour de France, a 2200-mile bike race featuring only the world’s most fit druggies, just started. This is unfortunate because, Lance Armstrong or no Lance Armstrong, this might be the most pointless competition in all of sports.

Hello Hello: Sometimes, Shock Humor Isn’t Funny Simply Because It Sucks

There’s an eternal debate raging as to whether or not offensive, shock humor goes too far and the joke-tellers need to apologize for hurting so many people, or if the sensitive whiny liberal pansies need to shut up, grow some thicker skin, and learn to take a joke. Forgotten in this endless cycle is a third argument, one that’s ignored far too often: “why are we fighting over jokes that just plain aren’t funny?”

Holy Taco for June 11

POOP: 6 Fun Things Pete Rose Should Do While Managing for a Day

Pete Rose is managing an independent baseball team called the Bridgeport Bluefish for a day, because publicity. He should screw around and have some quick and dirty fun with his post, and here are a few ways he can do so. After all, what are they going to do, fire him?

FART: Dear False Flaggers: Turns Out, Those Flags are EVERYWHERE

Does anyone you reluctantly know think bad things only happen because the government sets it up that way? Well, make them read this article. Because it’s not just bad things, it’s EVERYTHING, and their paranoid minds really oughta know that

Holy Taco and Tailgate Fan for June 6

MANNY: Ant Man Should Stay Directorless (and Go Scriptless)

The Ant Man movie has no director, and might not have one for a long time. I feel they should embrace that fact, and not only stay directorless, but chuck the script too. Just let the actors make that shit up as they go, and film the results. Best case scenario: unintentional comedy at its finest. Worst case: the movie about ANT MAN turns out to suck. Heaven forbid.

MOE: Super Bowl 50, Not Super Bowl L: Journalistic Excellence

The NFL decided to abandon Roman numbers for Super Bowl 50, because they didn’t like the way L looked on its own. For such a monumental story, one news source simply wasn’t enough. We needed DOZENS, possibly hundreds of them, all saying the same thing, and luckily the Internet was happy to oblige.

JACK: Diary Of A Fantasy Baseball Loser – Part 6

Two more weeks of fantasy baseball has yielded decent results. I used to be in last place, and now I’m second-to-last. Progress!

Holy Taco for June 5

ACE: The Failed and Forgotten Acting Career of John Wilkes Booth

This week’s Great Failure from the Past (just not named that way because the title ran long) concerns John Wilkes Booth: an actor from the 1860’s who became incredibly rich and famous, only to throw it all away after an unfortunate injury in April of 1865. He never worked again, and his short career has been all but forgotten to history. It’s like he did something to piss someone of or something.

GARY: Grading 50 Cent’s Terrible Excuses for His Terrible Pitch

Recently, rapper 50 Cent threw the worst pitch in baseball history. Instead of admitting he did it on purpose to get back into the spotlight and promote his new album, he’s tossed out flimsy excuse after flimsy excuse. I decided to grade them from worst to slightly-less-than-worst, and this here’s the report card.

Holy Taco and Tailgate Fan for June 4

U: 6 Ways Rob Gronkowski Can Stop Sucking at Improv Comedy

The New England Patriots resident fratbro, Rob Gronkowski, appeared on Whose Line Is It Anyway and absolutely sucked at it. If he ever wants to try again though, I offer a few pointers he needs to adhere to. After all, I’ve watched that show a LOT, therefore I know everything about it.

S: Otto V, World’s Worst Rapper: Why Isn’t He Viral Yet?

Occasionally, a jackass who should go viral due to utter lack of talent and hilarious levels of delusion, but doesn’t. One such guy is Otto V, a wannabe rapper with no flow, rhyming ability, charisma, charm, or decent ideas. That doesn’t stop him from acting like King Shit, or at least attempting to.

A: Top 5 Sports Scandals

Don’t you love straight-ahead titles? This is a list of my five favorite times when an athlete or team blatantly cheated to gain an edge, got caught, and dragged their sport through the mud because of it. Don’t worry: chances are, you’re not on this thing. Unless you’re A-Rod, in which case, hi Alex! Also, screw you Alex!

Holy Taco and Tailgate Fan for May 30

LARRY: Holy Taco Bad Book Club: Pro Wrestling Poetry

There’s a book of pro wrestling poetry out there — freeform, avant garde poetry at that. But it reads much less like actual art, and more lists of obscure wrestling references and insider terms designed to make a very desperate author look as “in” with the wrestling business as possible.

CURLY: Coffee Dad: Twitter Joke, Depressing Existential Quandary

The Coffee Dad Twitter account is a weird joke with occasional references to a Dad mourning his lost son. The fact that he’s still mourning him, years later, turns this joke into a depressing treatise on how for many, grief and pain never ends and while they may still be breathing, they stopped living long ago.

I may or may not have been in a moody mood when writing this.

MOE: Top 5 Most Underrated Athletes

Tailgate Fan wanted a straight-up list of underrated sports peoples, and by gum I gave it to them. This here is the thing that I gave.

Holy Taco for May 29

WON: Great Failures from the Past: The Bud Bundy Rap Album

Remember on Married With Children when Bud Bundy became a rapper named Grandmaster B? That was pretty funny, right? Well, it turns out he actually IS a rapper. Not a good one, at least. His single “I Told Ya” still remains on YouTube, and it’s even more hilarious than the TV version. My guess is that Bud didn’t want it that way though.

TOO: MMA in Lingerie: The Most Pointless “Sexy” Idea Ever

There’s a lingerie MMA league now, and it’s rated PG. I have no idea why anybody bothered. Yes, there’s pretty women in their underwear, but you can find that anywhere, along with a whole lot more. These girls can’t fight, they aren’t interesting, the entire thing is blatantly staged, and the money-hungry PG slant means the idea’s about as sexy as a baby deer.