Holy Taco for the Past Week

I’ve been hired as a Layout Editor for Cracked.com, and so regular, twice-daily posting for Holy Taco isn’t all that feasible. Still, I write whenever I can for wherever. Here’s what I’ve done over at the Taco this past week:

Anna Faith Carlson Doesn’t Look a Thing Like Elsa From ‘Frozen’. Shut Up.

Anna Faith Carlson is taking the Internet by storm, thanks to a picture of her standing next to a cutout of Elsa, the Ice Queen from Frozen. According to the Internet, she looks exactly like Elsa, which is an amazing feat that she should be lauded and commended for apparently. Except she doesn’t look like Elsa. At all.

5 Ways Game of Thrones Could Actually Surprise Us Going Forward

Game of Thrones has been doing the brutal death deal for four seasons now. How long can it possibly go on before people get the point and move on to something else? If HBO wants this show to make it to the end of the novels, they need to alter the recipe a bit. Here are a few foolproof ways to do so.

Christian Grey From 50 Shades of Grey Has Been Revealed, And Man Is He Boring

Pictures of the actor from 50 Shades of Grey in costume have finally been revealed. Sadly (and predictably), he’s a bland, boring brunette. They could’ve really spiced up this stupid character, and they chose to take him plain. No salt or pepper even.

 

Holy Taco and Tailgate Fan for June 4

U: 6 Ways Rob Gronkowski Can Stop Sucking at Improv Comedy

The New England Patriots resident fratbro, Rob Gronkowski, appeared on Whose Line Is It Anyway and absolutely sucked at it. If he ever wants to try again though, I offer a few pointers he needs to adhere to. After all, I’ve watched that show a LOT, therefore I know everything about it.

S: Otto V, World’s Worst Rapper: Why Isn’t He Viral Yet?

Occasionally, a jackass who should go viral due to utter lack of talent and hilarious levels of delusion, but doesn’t. One such guy is Otto V, a wannabe rapper with no flow, rhyming ability, charisma, charm, or decent ideas. That doesn’t stop him from acting like King Shit, or at least attempting to.

A: Top 5 Sports Scandals

Don’t you love straight-ahead titles? This is a list of my five favorite times when an athlete or team blatantly cheated to gain an edge, got caught, and dragged their sport through the mud because of it. Don’t worry: chances are, you’re not on this thing. Unless you’re A-Rod, in which case, hi Alex! Also, screw you Alex!

Holy Taco for June 2

BUGS: 5 Ways to Revive Breaking Bad While Keeping Walter White Dead

Bryan Cranston hinted that Walter White might still be alive. That’s a horrible, story-ruining idea, as are most times a tragic hero doesn’t actually die. If Breaking Bad does return, Walter needs to stay dead. Here are some ultra-realistic ways they can make it happen.

DAFFY: ‘Milkshake’ Quoted in Scripps Spelling Bee Because Kids Love BJ Jokes

The judge of the Scripps spelling bee made a blowjob joke on live TV by referencing Kelis’ “Milkshake.” He did so in front of dozens of kids, by the way. But he quoted a song people like so apparently it’s OK.

Holy Taco and Tailgate Fan for May 21

Pat Sajak: Game Show Host, Bored Twitter Troll

Pat Sajak went on Twitter and decided that anybody who believes in global warming is an unpatriotic racist. Regardless of whether he truly believes that or not, it’s crystal-clear that Sajak is bored shitless of his world-famous-yet-totally-humdrum life, and wants to lash out. I say he should do so, and in as wacky a way as possible. Like the ways I suggest!

Charlie Zelenoff: Rocky – Skill + Extra Brain Damage

Charlie Zelenoff is a troll who pretends he’s a champion boxer because it pisses people off. He pissed off an actual champion boxer and got the stuffing beaten out of him as a result. Still, the fact that he tried to fight at all is semi-admirable. If he ever wants to try again, I’m willing to coach him. Just so long as I don’t have to look at him while doing so.

Top 5 NBA Draft Lottery Alternatives

For no decent reason, the NBA holds a lottery a month before their draft to determine the top three teams. It’s the dumbest thing in sports aside from curling existing. But clearly the NBA has no interest in a traditional draft, so I offer up five wonderful alternatives.

And no, none of them are “first owner to hunt down and kill Donald Sterling gets the number 1 pick.” That would be damn satisfying, but sadly, you can only do it once.

Holy Taco for May 20

THIS THING: Three Easy Ways to Make Conan O’Brien the New Ratings King

Not a whole lot of people watch Conan O’Brien’s show. Luckily, he’s on TBS and they don’t care about ratings, so he got a new contract. But if he ever wants to expand and re-enter the “people watching me” department, the show needs a boost. I offer three cuz I’m helpful.

THAT THING: “Thank You USA”: Our New National Anthem

Unintentional comedy is a rare beast these days because everybody’s too damn self-aware. Not this guy though! Kosovan singer Armend Miftari just penned a tribute to America that was hopelessly outdated 15 years before he actually wrote it. And yes, of course it’s the cheesiest thing ever. That’s why I love it so and must share it with you.

The Sad and Lonely Life of the Price is Right Cliffhanger Guy

cliffhanger-guy

It’s time to set a few things straight. First and foremost: if you watch The Price Is Right and sit idly by while I “work,” I hate you. You are the reason my life sucks.

For 40+ years, I’ve been forced to climb a mountain by the taskmasters at CBS. And not just climb — I’m expected to topple over the edge and crash some 100 feet (well, it’s 100 feet to me anyways) to a death that I pray will quickly come and yet never does. I’d sooner perform one of those mundane nothing jobs you losers constantly complain about. Oh, you operate a cash register and sometimes ring up multiple items? How I weep. When’s the last time you ended up in fucking traction because your co-worker didn’t know the price of milk?

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