A Parapalegic Losing Part of His Penis is the Most Comically Sad Story Ever
Meet the latest case of a guy so sad you almost have no choice but to be glad you’re not him. He’s anonymous, and for good reason: he’s suing a Quebec hospital for botched surgery on his penis that resulted in over an inch being lost. Also, he has no legs, because God loves us all etc. etc.
Interviews with Workers Like Shane from Walmart (If They Were Actually Real)
A series of bulletin board warnings from the exasperated manager of “Shane from Walmart” have gone viral, even though his wacky insubordination is hopelessly, transparently fake. How do we know? Here’s what would happen to irreverent jesters like “Shane” in real life.
The EZ Baby Saver: The Stupidest Weapon Against Leaving Kids In Hot Cars Ever
Some adorable kid invented the EZ Baby Saver, a mass of colorful rubber bands that remind you a child’s still inside your hot car. Supposedly. The good intention invention’s making the news rounds because it’s summertime and the roasting is easy. But adorable inventor or no, this might be the single dumbest solution to a real-world problem I’ve ever heard.
I’ve been hired as a Layout Editor for Cracked.com, and so regular, twice-daily posting for Holy Taco isn’t all that feasible. Still, I write whenever I can for wherever. Here’s what I’ve done over at the Taco this past week:
Anna Faith Carlson Doesn’t Look a Thing Like Elsa From ‘Frozen’. Shut Up.
Anna Faith Carlson is taking the Internet by storm, thanks to a picture of her standing next to a cutout of Elsa, the Ice Queen from Frozen. According to the Internet, she looks exactly like Elsa, which is an amazing feat that she should be lauded and commended for apparently. Except she doesn’t look like Elsa. At all.
5 Ways Game of Thrones Could Actually Surprise Us Going Forward
Game of Thrones has been doing the brutal death deal for four seasons now. How long can it possibly go on before people get the point and move on to something else? If HBO wants this show to make it to the end of the novels, they need to alter the recipe a bit. Here are a few foolproof ways to do so.
Christian Grey From 50 Shades of Grey Has Been Revealed, And Man Is He Boring
Pictures of the actor from 50 Shades of Grey in costume have finally been revealed. Sadly (and predictably), he’s a bland, boring brunette. They could’ve really spiced up this stupid character, and they chose to take him plain. No salt or pepper even.
Gunter: Brainstorming Wacky Oreo Flavors is Harder Then You Think
It’s shockingly difficult to create crazy new Oreo flavors all the time. It’s a long creative process, and the Whipping Cane awaits those who pitch failure.
Glieben: Great Failures From The Past: Not Larry the Not Cable Guy
Larry the Cable Guy used to be an ultra-cheesy early ’90s standup comic named Dan Whitney. And if you thought Larry was annoying, he’s actually an improvement over Dan, who might have been the unfunniest person ever. Puppies abandoned under a bridge earn more giggles than this guy.
Glauten: Holy Taco Bad Book Club: The Mole With Poop on His Head
“The Story of the Little Mole Who Went in Search of Whodunit” is a story about shit. A mole gets pooped on and searches for the culprit, all while learning important lessons on how every animal that poops right in front of him does so differently.
Globen: Jemima Packington, the Asparagus Psychic
Jemima Packington is a British soothsayer who claims to be the world’s only “asparamancer”. Since she had to coin the term herself, we believe her. Nobody else would use stalks of asparagus to predict the damned future, but that’s exactly what she does.
POOP: 6 Fun Things Pete Rose Should Do While Managing for a Day
Pete Rose is managing an independent baseball team called the Bridgeport Bluefish for a day, because publicity. He should screw around and have some quick and dirty fun with his post, and here are a few ways he can do so. After all, what are they going to do, fire him?
FART: Dear False Flaggers: Turns Out, Those Flags are EVERYWHERE
Does anyone you reluctantly know think bad things only happen because the government sets it up that way? Well, make them read this article. Because it’s not just bad things, it’s EVERYTHING, and their paranoid minds really oughta know that
Aliens took over my brain last night and made me forget to post my daily link to words I made. Luckily, the aliens are now dead and baking at 450 degrees for 90 minutes, so I’ma post a doubleshot while waiting for the timer to ding.
FLAIR: Local Hack Writes Fake News, About to Fool Everyone…Again
Breaking news, as yet another unfunny troll with only the slightest possible grasp of what “satire” actually means has created a “fake news” website and full of total bullshit that the Internet will soon angrily believe without question. State officials, along with anybody who actually reads an article rather than just skimming the headline and hulk smashing their keyboard seconds later, are flabbergasted as to why this keeps happening.
ARN: Meet Mark Wilson, The Man Who Loves Poop More Than Life Itself
And now for some poop jokes, courtesy of a guy who enjoys nothing more than talking about shit for hours on end. The pure repetition of “I love shit, and I love taking a shit” is almost hypnotic.
ROMA: Unappreciated Awful: Orskog Bank’s Awkward Dance Video
Here’s an old video that somehow didn’t go as viral as it should have. A bunch of Swedish bankers dance and prance their way through a cheesy music video, because bad conga dancing and blatant mockery of the handicapped is exactly how you draw in business.
MONGO: We Get It. Nicolas Cage is Wacky. Enough Already
For awhile, Nicolas Cage being the ultimate scenery-chewing actor was pretty chuckle-worthy. But now the joke is old, thanks to a billion people not shutting up about it. Time to let the Crazy Cage thing rest forever.
MANNY: Ant Man Should Stay Directorless (and Go Scriptless)
The Ant Man movie has no director, and might not have one for a long time. I feel they should embrace that fact, and not only stay directorless, but chuck the script too. Just let the actors make that shit up as they go, and film the results. Best case scenario: unintentional comedy at its finest. Worst case: the movie about ANT MAN turns out to suck. Heaven forbid.
MOE: Super Bowl 50, Not Super Bowl L: Journalistic Excellence
The NFL decided to abandon Roman numbers for Super Bowl 50, because they didn’t like the way L looked on its own. For such a monumental story, one news source simply wasn’t enough. We needed DOZENS, possibly hundreds of them, all saying the same thing, and luckily the Internet was happy to oblige.
JACK: Diary Of A Fantasy Baseball Loser – Part 6
Two more weeks of fantasy baseball has yielded decent results. I used to be in last place, and now I’m second-to-last. Progress!
Originally published 11/27/12, on the now-defunct Geekout
Like the old days of territorial wrestling, there used to be Gods everywhere. Many of these Gods were not to be fucked with, lest they smite you with thunderbolts or drown you in a gigantic tsunami. They were worshiped out of pure fear. Also, these were ancient times, where the iPad hadn’t been invented yet, so there wasn’t much to do aside from kneeling at one temple or the other. But still, fear mostly.
Some Gods, however, seemed to be worshiped out of pure pity. These are the Gods that, quite frankly, you could pound into dust with your mere mortal hands.