Dateline, February 20, 2017. From the Ouija board that summoned the spirit of President William Henry Harrison:
Oh for crying out loud, America.
You HAD IT. I HAD IT. After all this time, after all these centuries, I thought you had finally elected a president atrocious enough to lose his job quicker than I lost mine. After 176 years, I truly thought I would no longer be the shortest-reigning president of all time, because Donald Trump would easily be impeached and fired within, like, a week. Maybe even less! Finally, I wouldn’t have this stupid 30-days albatross around my bony, rotted neck!
And YET … here we are, 30 days later, and Trump is STILL your president? There’s … no hope for me, is there? Barring some freak twist of fate like, oh, HOW I DIED, I’m never losing this damn record, am I? You really are a bunch of morons, America, you know that? I can’t believe I spent several weeks of my life leading your dumb asses.
First off, Mr. Mad Scientist, thank you for calling off the dogs and allowing me into your top-secret foodporn lair. But was the billy club to the head, chloroform-laced burlap sack, and iron maiden full of tranquilizer darts really necessary?
Oh, of course it was! After all, nobody needs know where I do my work. They only must know that the work is done, and that it is oh-so-delicious and oh-so-shareable.
Well, that is certainly is. Though it is a little jarring to receive these constant, sometimes several-times-a-minute reminders that, no matter how many lunges and crunches and burpees and hot yoga we do, we are all so, so incredibly fat.
Good science is rarely comfortable, my fine, drugged-out friend.
LINKY: 4 Valuable Life Lessons (That We Never Follow)
My latest Cracked Column is up, featuring me going on about life lessons we all learn and then promptly forget, over and over again (like the poor jerk in the picture who never bothered with a tune-up and now totally regrets it.)
Also, I took a couple sentences to hit on Natalie Imbruglia, meaning I actually got paid to woo a gorgeous celebrity. If she ever responds, you’re all invited to the wedding*
*Unless you smell funny
THIS THING: The 6 Strangest Things Nobody Tells You About Life in Korea
For my latest Cracked Interview, I sat down (well more like Skype’d down) with an American girl teaching in South Korea. It’s a pretty interesting place over there, especially if you’re into plastic surgery and touching your best friend all day every day.