Cracked for June 28

‘TIS THIS: 5 Famous Musicians Who Went Solo (and Insane)

Some musicians go solo and do the same damn thing they were doing in their band. Others spread their wings and put out amazing music that sounds nothing like anything they’ve ever done before and solidifies them as artists of the highest caliber.

Others try the latter, but should’ve gone with the former, because their attempts at branching out and carving out their own identity were on par with Michelangelo trying to carve out David’s penis using just his fists.

BONUS MATERIAL: Here, have a purty header banner I made before remembering that columns don’t have header banners:

stained-moon-banner

Holy Taco for June 3

SUPERMAN: Limp Bizkit’s Latest Comeback is Their Stupidest Idea Yet

Limp Bizkit are still around, because God hath forsaken us. This time, they’re pleading for attention by releasing their new single on cassette only, and making it only available at their concerts. I’m no swami, but I predict this will fail just as miserably, if not moreso, than everything else Limp has tried since “Rollin'” exposed them as terrible beyond words.

BIZARRO: Gwyneth Paltrow: World’s Greatest Troll

Everybody shits on Gwyneth Paltrow simply because she acts better than everyone else and thinks her life is pristine and perfect. But don’t make the mistake of thinking she’s just a vapid, out-of-touch hippie snob. In fact, she’s one of the greatest trolls of all time, saying the dumbest shit on the planet because she knows it’ll keep her in the public’s angry eye.

Holy Taco for May 28

ARTICLE THE FIRST: 4 Reasons the Pizza Underground Band Doesn’t Suck

Macaulay Culkin has a band called the Pizza Underground, They sing Velvet Underground and Lou Reed songs, changing the lyrics to be about pizza. They’re getting booed off stage after stage, as one might expect. But they deserve far better, as I expertly argue.

ARTICLE THE SECOND: Scooter the Cat Has No Nuts and Just So Much Attitude

In order to spread the pet-fixing message that Bob Barker preached so hard in between banging Beauties, a company called Give Then Ten has unleashed Scooter, a hip, funky, blingadelic housecat who’s just the pinnacle of nutless cool. Serious or not, it’s still the best thing you’ll see today.

Holy Taco for May 22

Great Failures From the Past: The Sit-Down Ironing Board

Back in the ’50s, some company attempted a sit-down ironing board, with an advertising campaign that consisted of Santa Claus giving his young, nubile wife one for Christmas.

I’m leaving this article here as a cautionary note for all: DO YER RESEARCH. Half of my thesis was, “this thing failed but needs to make a comeback because our lazy asses would adore sitting while ironing. Of course, after posting it, I learned that sit-down ironing boards are very much a thing, especially for older folks who physically can’t stand for very long. Oopsie doodles.

On the plus side, it’s still a stupid way to sell a product. “Ho ho ho, iron my pants!”

Great Failures From the Past: Devil Comes Back to Georgia

“The Devil Went Down To Georgia” sure is a song that exists, and shockingly a sequel exists as well. “Devil Comes Back to Georgia” tells the harrowing tale of the Devil going to Georgia (again) challenging Johnny to a fiddle duel (again) and losing (again). Do I even have to mention the song sounds the exact same too, or have you already figured that out?

Holy Taco for May 19

TACO: If You Want to Make It On Wall Street, Never Invest in WWE

The WWE just lost 43% of its stock value in one day, a worse drop than the one that triggered the Great Depression. And now they’re under investigation for insider trading and deception. Apparently, lying to the public about your new streaming network and TV deal was a very bad idea. The only worse idea was believing anything a pro wrestling company says in the first place.

BURRITO: Katy Perry is the New Champion of Atrocious Lyric Changes

Only an image-obsessed PR queen like Katy Perry could take an innocent song like “Daisy Bell,” about two lovers riding a two-seated bicycle through the park, and alter the lyrics to make it LESS offensive. Of course, her new lyrics absolutely suck, and are actually way more offensive than she imagined, because omitting references to poor people because you didn’t want to sing about them is kind of dickish, even for the “You’re So Gay” lady.

Holy Taco for May 16

Failures of the Past: Billy Joel’s High-Pitched Debut Album

Cold Spring Harbor, Billy Joel’s debut album, sounds like it was recorded by one of the Munchkins from Oz. Turns out, Joel’s producer fucked up the mix, accidentally sped the album up, and took 12 years to remix it because had worked hard-ish that day and he was tired.

Read on, and prepare yourself for the funniest version of “She’s Got a Way” you’ve ever heard.

Want a Free Tattoo? Then Sit Tight and Let the Bedbugs Bite

A few years ago, some scientist decided to give himself a bedbug tattoo, by sticking a thousand critters in a jar and letting him chew on his arm until it looked like a bunny rabbit. And if you have absolutely nothing to live for anymore, you can very easily do this yourself. So check under your bedsheets — if you find a thousand bedbugs, you’ve found yourself a tattoo gun.

Holy Taco For May 14

Smart Octopus Unscrews Jar, Too Dumb to Actually Escape:

Humans have a fetish for any animal it deems smart enough to kill us all. Sadly, this rarely happens, as what initially looks like evil genius ends up being nothing more than dumb, boring ol’ instinct. Case in point: this octopus, who unscrews the lid of a jar all by his lonesome, and then stays in the jar because instinct tells him to hide and hunt. “Fuck freedom and doom, my cerebellum commands me to stay here and wait for prawns!”

So much for our twisted fantasies of C’thulhu finally making a grand appearance in our humble reality.

Reviewing 51 Seconds of the Million-Dollar Wu-Tang Clan Album:

The Wu-Tang Clan has a new album coming out, and only one copy will be for sale. You can’t buy it either, unless you have over $5 million to blow. Everyone else will have to pay to enter a Wu-approved museum and listen to it in there.

Problem is, it’s likely not worth it. 51 seconds of the album got released recently, and it’s, well, just a song. It sounds exactly like what you’d expect from a Wu-Tang Clan album. That’s a good thing, but why they felt the need to stick “a good thing” in a damn jewelry case, turn it into an exhibit at the Louvre, and charge some mark millions of dollars for the right to upload it to BitTorrent is beyond me.