Dateline, February 20, 2017. From the Ouija board that summoned the spirit of President William Henry Harrison:
Oh for crying out loud, America.
You HAD IT. I HAD IT. After all this time, after all these centuries, I thought you had finally elected a president atrocious enough to lose his job quicker than I lost mine. After 176 years, I truly thought I would no longer be the shortest-reigning president of all time, because Donald Trump would easily be impeached and fired within, like, a week. Maybe even less! Finally, I wouldn’t have this stupid 30-days albatross around my bony, rotted neck!
And YET … here we are, 30 days later, and Trump is STILL your president? There’s … no hope for me, is there? Barring some freak twist of fate like, oh, HOW I DIED, I’m never losing this damn record, am I? You really are a bunch of morons, America, you know that? I can’t believe I spent several weeks of my life leading your dumb asses.
This is Part One of my “I Can’t Clickhole” series, where I take headlines I wrote when attempting to get hired by Clickhole, and turn them into full articles. This will either convince you that Clickhole’s missing out, or they totally dodged a bullet. Hopefully the former.
Still think adventurism is dead? Still convinced that today’s youth would rather waste their days playing phone games and Playing with their Boxes at Station X, rather than hike the steepest trails or climb the tallest mountains? Well, have we got a faith-restoring tale for you, as 11-year-old Boy Scout Jacob Moonhouse just spent seven days and six nights not at a Hilton, but camping alone in the wilderness thanks to his entire troop leaving him behind! Talk about building character!
Aliens took over my brain last night and made me forget to post my daily link to words I made. Luckily, the aliens are now dead and baking at 450 degrees for 90 minutes, so I’ma post a doubleshot while waiting for the timer to ding.
FLAIR: Local Hack Writes Fake News, About to Fool Everyone…Again
Breaking news, as yet another unfunny troll with only the slightest possible grasp of what “satire” actually means has created a “fake news” website and full of total bullshit that the Internet will soon angrily believe without question. State officials, along with anybody who actually reads an article rather than just skimming the headline and hulk smashing their keyboard seconds later, are flabbergasted as to why this keeps happening.
ARN: Meet Mark Wilson, The Man Who Loves Poop More Than Life Itself
And now for some poop jokes, courtesy of a guy who enjoys nothing more than talking about shit for hours on end. The pure repetition of “I love shit, and I love taking a shit” is almost hypnotic.
ROMA: Unappreciated Awful: Orskog Bank’s Awkward Dance Video
Here’s an old video that somehow didn’t go as viral as it should have. A bunch of Swedish bankers dance and prance their way through a cheesy music video, because bad conga dancing and blatant mockery of the handicapped is exactly how you draw in business.
MONGO: We Get It. Nicolas Cage is Wacky. Enough Already
For awhile, Nicolas Cage being the ultimate scenery-chewing actor was pretty chuckle-worthy. But now the joke is old, thanks to a billion people not shutting up about it. Time to let the Crazy Cage thing rest forever.